The Debate I Can't Win or Lose

 Recently a friend of mine and I were discussing current social/political topics when he stopped me mid-conversation and said, “You know Dwyer it is really surprising to me –with all your leftist liberal ranting – that when it comes right down to it you are really just old-fashioned.” He took a sip of his coffee and continued, “I’d go as far as to say that your views are tired and antiquated.” 

Greatly offended, I tossed my napkin to the floor, dropped two dollars on the table for my cappuccino, and stormed out of the café. Once outside I began giggling to myself because the drink was five dollars, thus leaving him to cover the remaining cost of the beverage as well as the tip. 

As I marched down a rainy Sunset Boulevard I grew angry with my friend and began speaking to myself in a huff, “Me, Matt Dwyer, antiquated and old-fashioned? How dare he! He still thinks the Democratic Party is a viable representation of liberal America. What does he know?” Then my rational side interrupted myself, “Well Dwyer, you can’t fully blame him. Though some of your beliefs are radical, they are also barbaric.” 

“Me, barbaric? How?” I said with a grimace. My rational side scratched his chin and continued, “Well, you are staunchly against the death penalty, correct?” 

“Of course,” I agreed. “It’s inhumane and unnecessary. Often it costs tax payers more to execute an inmate than it does to keep them alive.” 

My rational side continued, “Yes, but you also think they shouldn’t allow any food of any kind in prisons.” 

 “Well yes,” I said defensively. “Food is one of the highest overhead costs a prison has. That money could be better used toward the national deficit or the improvement of our public schools.”

I smiled as I finished my retort. I knew I was a sucker for the deficit and public schools, and my statement would leave me without rebuttal.

Rational me continued, “Yes, but you are pro-roasting pigs under every cell window as the cooks yell, ‘This sure is tasty meat, starving prison people’.”

“How did you know I believe that is a just punishment for criminals? I’ve never shared that thought with anyone.”

My rational side chuckled, “You forget Dwyer. I am you.”

“Oh right, me. You are.” I paused and weighed my next argument. “Does one archaic belief make me old-fashioned? Do we not all have certain flaws in our philosophical structure?”

Rational me quickly jumped on myself, “Yes, but you have many flawed beliefs, like how women should leave the village for five days when they menstruate.”

“That’s a belief I hold from the Old Testament, thus religious and therefore not valid in this debate.”

 “We are discussing your overall character here which includes all your beliefs.”

I was starting to realize I was maybe smarter than I thought.

Rational me continued, “Furthermore, you publicly proclaim sex should only be performed in the missionary position and solely for the purpose of reproduction.”

“Of course,” I agreed. “Every seed is sacred in the eyes of the Lord.”

“Then why do you masturbate about the house willy-nilly, depositing your sacred seeds into gym socks that shall suffer the blazingly hot, bleachy waters of the washing machine?”

Man, my inner knowledge of myself was really kicking my ass.

“Again with the religious angle. If it is only my religious beliefs you disagree with then you don’t have much of an argument.”

Rational me raised an eyebrow which indicated to me I may be in trouble. “Let’s discuss your belief that the larger a man’s head, the greater his knowledge.”

“It’s true!” I loudly proclaimed. “That was proven during the Scopes trial.”

“That was about evolution,” rational me retorted. “And if that was the case cavemen had larger skulls and would be a hundred times smarter than modern man.”

“Shit,” I said as I looked to the ground. I knew the debate was about over, and I was to lose. 

“You know Matt, your friend is right. You are antiquated, and it’s really sad.”

“But…but…but,” I struggled to make one more solid argument. “What about my belief that retarded people are enlightened beings from outer space?”

Rational me took a long look at myself, shook his head, and said, “That just proves what I have thought about you all along. You are stupid.”

I then walked off, refusing to speak to myself any further for I knew I was right. I was an idiot.