Matt Dwyer: American

People who know me will say one thing about me, “That Matt Dwyer … he sure is proud to be an American.” To which I reply, “Fucking A. right I am.” I am so proud to be an American that every 4th of July I dig a little hole in the ground and feed it cake because America deserves a tasty treat. I am also known to run all the faucets in my house and laugh at third world countries. I know that some people may find this to be insensitive, but that is what they get for not being in America. I mean come on poor people move to America where we have everything!!!! Actually please don’t. I prefer America to be filled with Americans.

You know what annoys me, Matt Dwyer, American? Americans who complain about America. If you don’t like America, then go move to some place that isn’t America like Guam, France or Ohio. Personally, I don’t mind paying the high gas prices that we have right now. It supports the multi-national corporations that keep this country number one. You know what else we shouldn’t complain about? The Iraq war. Yeah, that’s right. Personally, I believe we should bomb everyone who isn’t American and then make them American even if they are currently living in America. (I have enough faith in our military that they can bomb specific individuals even if they are shopping at a mall and not hurt American civilians.)

The other day I was in a bar and some communist was yammering on about how America has a bloodied past and all one has to do is look to the Trail of Tears to find an example of the atrocities America is capable of committing. To which I replied, “Hey pal, kiss my sweet American taint. It’s not my fault they weren’t born in America.” To which he said, “Actually they were born here.” Then I corrected him and said, “No, we invented America when we brought Plymouth Rock from England. Plus Injuns have the ability to turn into birds and fly away which is just terrifying.” Then he said, “You’re an idiot.” And then I said (with American pride), “If idiot is a synonym for American, then you are right thus making me the winner … or should I say … making AMERICA the winner.

In short people, I am proud to be an American living in America.

If you still have any doubts that America is the best, here is a list of American things America has contributed to the world: Flight, guns, beer, car racing, cars, cookies, reality television, roller coasters, books on tape, boobs, flip books, Flip Wilson, walks on the beach, all-you-can-eat buffets, champagne, Las Vegas, laser light shows, Greece, freedom, 24-hour marts, tumblers filled with corn syrup sweetened drinks, tits, the electric chair, tits, confetti, Liberace, massage parlors, divorce, infidelity, God, America, The Age of Enlightenment, garage sales, hammers, gay bashing, cheek implants, obesity, face punching, gum, guys named Gary with extended bellies and small bathing suits, strip malls, hair, gorillas, Bruce Willis, soup, forced entry, arson, carpet, paint-by-number sets, Norman Rockwell, drum machines, peas, cans, Velcro, the number ten, Wombats, When Harry Met Sally, time machines, lip blisters, hair metal, falsies, moisture, the red stuff in thermometers, British humor, the works of Caravaggio, lesbian three ways, the assembly line, fast food, a rare form of syphilis, Hooked on Phonics, grey hair, tits, old men spitting up, velvet, the book of Deuteronomy, ham, crystal meth, Abercrombie and Fitch, drive bys, assless pants, explosions, boobs, boobies, tits, that feeling you get right when you realize you were lousy in bed, Tupperware, moss, red, bad credit, tits, fist fights, tooth decay, shaved balls, reach-arounds and tits.