I'm Going "L.A."

 I have lived in Los Angeles a little over five years, and the entire time I have been here I have complained about it. Believe you me, my complaints about L.A. could go on for pages and pages, but this is not about that. This is about me turning over a new leaf and giving in to Los Angeles. I have accepted that I am stuck here and shall be here for a long while, thus I think it best to go “L.A.”

The first thing I decided to do is to get hair plugs. I know I have a full head of hair, but I like the look of hair plugs, plus it makes a bold statement of one's character. It says, “I am a winner for I don’t let a thing like age and genetics take me down.” I am also going to get pec and calf implants. I have always wanted to be slightly muscular, but frankly, I hate working out, so again, I am a winner.

I will move to the west side and get a nice wide-open sparsely furnished apartment. I will replace any bookshelves with stone Italian statues of women having gratuitous lesbian sex. Placed on the tables throughout my home for all to see will be screenplays. I will never actually read more than five pages of any of these scripts, but will make strong judgments on them based on pointless observations like, “Schooner ships? No one has set a movie on a Schooner ship since the 1980’s. No one will make it.” I will also have a hot black Haitian servant who I will often say sexually degrading things too. However, she won’t speak English and thus can’t understand what I say.

You may be questioning at this point, “Aren’t Hollywood types known for being crazy leftist liberals?” This is a big misconception. Granted we tend to support liberal politicians and a few leftist causes. We are also sexist, racist and the perpetrators of stereotypes. Many production companies and studios don’t recycle; take advantage of workers hours and wages with various loopholes.  I wish to participate in all these splendors.

I think a key part of my new L.A. identity will be to keep my sexuality vague. Sure, I will often be seen with a much younger very attractive woman and I will often have sex with them, often two or more at a time. However, I will also have a penchant for sleeping with young hairless Asian men. I will believe to be a status thing. However, if I am ever pressed to explain why I believe this, I will be at a loss for words.

For employment, I have decided I will be one of those guys who lives off of Daddy’s money. Occasionally I’ll invest in some independent movie project, but for the most part, I’ll party on boats, do coke to an unattractive age, drink Chardonnays while throwing porn and shuffleboard parties.  Eventually, I will become too broke and old for anyone to want to hang out with me, and I will spend my final days in a much smaller house in a wicker wheel chair sitting in front of a window until I die. I will leave what little money I do have to my nurse who hated me and prayed for my death daily. It’s going to be a great new life. I can’t wait to start it.