Genealogy and My Low Self - Esteem

 I recently researched my family's genealogy and what I discovered was eye opening in the way I view myself. What I learned was that for centuries the Dwyer's have suffered from low self-esteem and self-loathing.

The first Dwyer documented was Michael O'Dwyer from the county of Cork, Ireland. Michael designed the Dwyer family crest, which was nothing more than a dented shield emblazoned with a pigeon perched atop a flaccid penis. Written underneath were the words, "The O'Dwyer's – As filthy as pigeons and as mighty as a limp dick." Michael Dwyer was so self-loathing that he was known to forsake all Catholic law and masturbate in the town square so he could publicly mock his sperm for being lazy.

  A century later, in the same town, Michael O'Dwyer's great-great-grandson, Shamus O'Dwyer, took the position of village idiot. However, he was so filled with self-hatred that he lobbied the town council to change the name from "village idiot" to "the village worthless, no-good, lifeless cock-sucking son of a whore." The town council quickly agreed to Shamus' request. This is quite remarkable considering the town was very religious and the use of profanity could land one in the stockades for three months. However, one councilman commented, "Though this title is highly offensive, it is also very accurate, and I wouldn't be surprised if the good Lord refers to Shamus in the same manner."

     Anyone aware of Irish history knows that throughout the centuries the great island of Ireland has constantly been invaded and its people terrorized, murdered, and raped. 
It has been documented that during these invasions, the Dwyer women would lie on their backs, put their legs in the air, and await a raping – all the while saying, "We deserve this." It has been rumored that some of the male Dwyer’s felt cheated and would don dresses in hopes of being raped as well. If this failed, the male Dwyer’s would simply rape one another.

  In 1901 Flannery O' Dwyer immigrated to Ellis Island. When he got off the boat he was greeted by hundreds of Irish-hating Americans who were cursing and beating the newly arrived Irish. As Flannery walked among his people listening to the insults, he'd simply nod and say, "I couldn't agree more." When he reached the end of the line of hateful greeters, he ran back to the boat and went through the line several more times.

   In the 1930's it appeared as though the Dwyer’s had ended their reign as self-hating outcasts. Gentleman Jim Dwyer was quickly becoming the boxing rage of America. They called him 'Gentleman Jim' because of his quiet demeanor and his constant fixation with opening doors for people. One night when going to dinner at a very posh and busy restaurant in New York he never even made it to the table. Instead, he stood outside for six hours opening the door for anyone who wished to enter the establishment. What people didn't know was that Gentleman Jim wasn't a gentleman at all; he just never thought he was good enough to enter a building before anyone else.

  Regardless of Gentleman Jim's self-loathing, many loved him. Irving Berlin wrote a song about him entitled, "Gentleman Jim, I wanna be him." He was even briefly a member of the esteemed Algonquin Round Table until he responded to Dorothy Parker's famous quip, "Pearls before swine," with "I fucked a pig once." Which he had, but many more times than once. In fact, he once tried to marry a pig. He believed it the only animal he was worthy enough to love.

  Unfortunately, Gentleman Jim's success and fame came crashing down during his heavyweight championship bout with Elmer "Hotsy Totsy" Rhoden. In between the second and third round he heard the crowd cheering and supporting him. He couldn't understand or accept such love and adulation and said to his trainer, "I don't deserve love. I am going to put a stop to this." With that the bell rang and he entered the third round, boxing himself. He did so until the seventh round where he KO'd himself. A week later he died. His death, however, was not boxing related but rather came about from severe wounds caused by opening a can of soup.

 Sadly, the self-loathing and horrible esteem issues have carried to the current generations of Dwyer’s. My very own father spent his entire life convinced that Jesus Christ had died for everyone's sins but his. When pressed on the issue my father would say, "Jesus died for the sins of man. Not for the sins of a simpering idiot." 

 Even I suffer from esteem issues and self-loathing. Granted, it's not as severe as my father's or those of my ancestors. I, unlike them, have gone to great lengths to heal myself. I was in psychoanalysis for ten years. I attend endless self-help meetings, and I currently see a therapist five times a week. At the end of every session I say to my therapist, "Hating yourself is easy. Loving yourself is hard work." To which he replies, "Go fuck yourself, you worthless jack ass." To which I agree.