Doing My Small Part For The Soldiers

I was watching footage of the Iraqi war on the news, and there was a shot of a soldier sitting on the steps of a dilapidated building with his head in his hands. It made my heart hurt. I thought to myself, how terrible it is that this young man must endure such horror. If I saw such things at that age I’d have wound up shuffling around the streets of Chicago with plastic bags for shoes while talking to a bar of soap.

However, this inspired me to do my small part for our soldiers in Iraq. I quickly got online and found a pen pal service so I could help encourage and support a soldier through a lonesome and difficult time. Below is our correspondence. I hope you it find as inspiring as I do.

Dear Private Hanson,

 My name is Matt Dwyer, and I am writing you from the city of Los Angeles. No, I am not a movie star but, as you can see by the picture I sent, it won’t be long until someone recognizes my rugged good looks and makes me a star. (Ha-ha that was a joke.) Let me take this time to thank you for your bravery in serving…FUCK! Goddamnitt! You won’t fucking believe this. Goddamn mother fucker! My cable just went out. God my life sucks! Can you believe this shit? Right in the middle of the Yankee/Red Sox game, man if I paid for this cable I’d be chewing someone a new asshole. A. Rod was at bat with bases loaded. I can’t stand A. Rod. Hey maybe you can point that gun of yours towards New York and blow his cock off.

Sorry dude I gotta cut this short. Gonna run down to the bar and watch the rest of the game. Totally sucks cuz I don’t wanna be blowing three bucks a brew.



Dear Matt Dwyer,

Thank you very much for your letter. I grew up an orphan in the inner city of Detroit, so I don’t really get many letters. Any contact with the outside world is appreciated.

I only joined the Army because once I turned eighteen and was released from the orphanage I had nowhere to go and no means for college. So this was my only option. If I would’ve known we’d have gotten involved with this conflict, I would have opted to work in a gas station.

You would not believe what horrors I have seen here. Every day I pray to Jesus Christ I make it out of here alive, and, if I do, I promise him I will do my best every day to make this world a better place.

Private Hanson


Dear Pepper,

Do you mind if I call you Pepper? I was thinking that since you are from Detroit you more than likely are black and if we were hanging and drinking I’d probably give you a nickname, and Pepper seems like a good one

Have you heard the band Fall Out Boy? What a bunch of fags. It pisses me off. What happened to balls out rock? Am I right? Music is either a bunch of talentless whores or a bunch of waify pretty boy faggots. Makes me sick. Fall Out Boy? What kind of name is that? Black Sabbath, Bad Company, now that’s bad ass bands with kick ass names. Hey, can you do me a favor, point that gun of yours over at Fall Out Boy and blow their cocks off. (That is if they have any?)



Dear Matt,

Please don’t call me Pepper. For starters, I am Asian and, if I was black, I’d find the name Pepper to be highly insulting. Also, I have never heard of Fall Out Boy. I haven’t heard anything but screams, explosions, and gunfire for the past six months.

Yesterday morning my company got caught off guard. My closest friend got severely wounded, and it is uncertain if he is going to make it. He was standing right next to me when it happened. A kid who must have been no older than twelve came out of nowhere and shot him in the chest three times. I shot the kid dead before he could turn his gun at me.

 I can’t believe I killed a young boy. I know I had to do it to protect myself, but it’s insane. I can’t get my mind around it.

Private Hanson.


 Lighten the fuck up! Jesus! I’m all ready bumming and now I gotta listen to that. You think you got it bad? Saturday my girlfriend dumped me and I got so drunk I plowed some fat skank in the back of a bar. Two days later I find some weird red lump on my ball sack. It’s freaking my shit out.



Dear Mr. Dwyer,

With great sadness and regret, we must inform you that Private Thomas Hanson was recently taken from us while serving his country. We know his loss may come as a shock, and you may need some time to recover from the pain you are feeling. However, if you’d like to be assigned another soldier you can correspond with, we’d be more than happy to do so.

 Thank you for the letters you sent Private Hanson. I am sure they brought joy to his heart. Let’s hope this conflict ends soon so we can bring our troops home safely.


John T. Doran

President: Pen Pals For Soldiers.

Dear Johnny,

I don’t mean to sound like a dick but that dude was a fucking drag. I’d love to write some more letters. There any chicks over there? I like redheads. Send me one of them. Let me see some pictures first though.



For some reason, Johnny never responded to my letter which I guess is cool because I don’t have much time for letter writing anyway since I got my cable back on.