Committing The Perfect Murder

I am smarter than most people. I know that may sound arrogant or elitist and maybe it is, but it's true. To be honest I'm probably smarter than you the reader. Please don't take offense to this. I am certain you have a lot of great qualities. You probably work hard at whatever it is you do be it, laying bricks, filing, or being a mom.

That's great. Good for you, but I have had drinks and a conversation with Tom Stoppard. I even changed his opinion on the works of Kerouac. Can you say that? Probably not, and more than likely you don't even know who Tom Stoppard is, but I forgive you for that because you're not as smart as me. Realizing I am smarter than most people on the face of the earth has made me come to the conclusion that I should commit the perfect murder ala Leopold and Loeb sans the sodomy.

The first thing I decided was that I wanted my murder to be a work of art. For the crime scene to be a vibrant and aesthetically pleasing to the eye. I also wanted the execution to be more like a performance than a mad grizzly murder. To make this happen one needed the perfect victim. I instantly chose my next-door neighbor. She wasn't perfect but one must know, though I am smarter than most people I am also lazier than most.

At first examination, my neighbor may appear to be an easy target. She lives alone, has no friends or family and not a person in the world will notice her absence from this earth. However, to up the ante and to go a step further I called the police and said, "Hello pig, I am Matthew Sean Dwyer and I'll be murdering Ms. Marcia Walla Garret of 1157 Marion Avenue sometime this week. I live next door to her, but I won't tell you which door because you gotta do some work, am I right pig?"


As a symbolic act, I chose the day Sharon Tate was murdered. I think.  I didn't look up the date because as I aforementioned, I am lazy. Nevertheless, in my heart and mind, it was the same date and that's all that really matters, right?

I waited for Ms. Garret to take a shower and then I broke into her apartment. I strategically placed five blank canvasses on easels about her apartment and then stripped naked and waited for her to depart the shower. A fat naked Ms. Garret soon entered the living room and froze at the sight of me. Who could blame her, it's not every day you stumble onto fully erect nude man garnering a weed whacker in your living room.


Without missing a beat I started to attack her with the weed whacker. I couldn't help but laugh as her blood splashed onto one of the canvasses as if Jackson Pollack himself had placed it there. Ms. Garret began to run away from me, but I was able to control her direction like cattlemen controls a cow.

 I pulled out a black jack. I beat the skull that was the carriage for Ms. Garret's weaker brain. Once the life drained from her eyes I placed a baby blue bonnet on her head and price tags on the now blood splashed canvases. If you cannot see the obvious Warholian/Carvagioesque similarities then once again my point is proven, I am smarter than you.

I exited Ms. Garret's apartment to discover my neighbors staring at my blood-drenched body in horror. Confident and fearless, I looked them in the eye and said, "I murdered her and what have you dumb asses done with your day? With that, I entered my apartment and awaited the arrival of the police.

Twenty minutes later the police arrived. Still naked and covered in blood I answered the door and said, "I killed Marcia Walla Garret. What do you intend to do about it pig?"

I was promptly arrested, taken to the station, booked and put in jail. I refused to get anyone to post bail for me, and the following morning when I appeared in front of a judge I confessed to the crime and pleaded guilty. The judge swiftly sentenced me to twenty years in a state penitentiary where I now write this pleased that I pulled off the perfect murder.

I know you are saying, "Matt you are in prison didn't you fail at committing the perfect murder?" Isn't that subjective? My perfect murder is not going to be the same as yours. Furthermore, I compared my murder to Leopold and Loeb's, who were caught. Thus, I have achieved my goal and once again have proven I am smarter than you. Also in prison, I don't have to work. I just lie around and read in my cell all day, which is perfect because I am lazier than most.