Algonquin Square Table

 The Algonquin Round Table was a group of New York City writers, critics, actors and wits that met from 1919 until about 1929.  Some of its members included Dorothy Parker, Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufmann, and Harpo Marx. Some of the most famous of quips such as Ms. Parker’s, “Girls with glasses never get passes”, were thrown across the Algonquin roundtable.  However, on the other side of the room was a lesser known circle writers and pseudo-wits that went by the name, The Algonquin Corner Table Off To The Left Of the Kitchen Entrance. Certainly, a long name but every time the manager saw this group entering it is what he would whisper those to the maitre d so they would be seated far away from any of the Algonquin’s respected clients.

Among the Corner Table’s regulars was playwright Carlton Hayes.  Some considered calling him a playwright generous since he only wrote one play, that was six hours long, and more a detailed account of a weekend trip he took to Ohio.  In fact, the play was so dull and tedious doctors prescribed it to patients who suffered from insomnia.

Novelist Emma Haulbag was the only female member of the group. Her novels, Death Wagon In My Vagina, and Fuck The Irish, were so hated by critics and readers that strangers often punched her in the face. Tired of the constant abuse she decided it best to alter her appearance. Not being able to afford cosmetic surgery she got hormone shots from an illegal immigrant doctor, which resulted in her growing a handlebar mustache.

The third and most successful member of the group was Thurston C.  Gordon. Thurston was a paranoid-closeted homosexual and a prolific poet.  His first three books, No Seriously I’m Not Gay, Moroccan Boys, and I Only Fall In Love With Butch Women, all received a great deal of attention, but more for the titles than the actual writing.

Sadly the only quip remembered from the corner table is when Thurston took a sip of water and said, “I’m at the point in my life where even tap water gives me gas.” The entire table erupted with laughter and then erupted from his flatulent. Usually, the quips were delivered quickly followed by loud fake laughter as they looked over to the Round Table to see if they were getting their attention. They never did.

Eventually the Corner table was barred from the Algonquin due to their overall annoying demeanor. They found refuge in a greasy spoon in Hell’s kitchen where their dull quips and pointless conversations continued until they disbanded after Emma died of an overdose of liquor and pills. However many speculate she was murdered by a group Greek men who held her down and forced ouzo down her throat after the publishing of her book, All Greek Men’s Balls Smell Like Feta.